“They can’t be that different, they’re called the same thing!”

For your convenience: waffles, muffins, and biscuits, in the US and England.

I did take a few liberties with this, in the interest of making an awesome graphic:

• The “England” header should probably say UK, but Ireland, Scotland, and Wales have their own delicacies, and I’m not sure how they conflict with these definitions. Playing it safe.
• The British waffle is potato, and is generally eaten with sausages or bacon or baked beans (or all three!). (Baked beans, by the way, are not supposed to have brown sugar in them, you awful people.) Waffle is actually interchangeable and can mean either a potato waffle or a sweet waffle in England, but if someone says “waffle” they usually mean the potato kind.
• The American muffin is technically called an English muffin, which is equal parts ironic, ridiculous, and confusing. Muffin is also interchangeable in the US, and possibly in England (I’m sure we have English muffins like you guys, but I’d never eaten one before now).
• The American biscuit looks awful, and I do not ever want to eat one. What I call a biscuit, Americans call a cookie or a cracker. American cookies are also fairly common in the UK.

Images stolen from Wikipedia, mostly.

I seem to have a unique talent for obsessing endlessly over minor, mundane differences in pretty boring things. That said: let’s talk about tobacco in the UK and US! At length!

As a person with absolutely no respect for their physical wellbeing, I take great pleasure in blowing large amounts of hard-earned money on smoking. No biggy. Slightly more surprising to American people is that I roll my own cigarettes. I have done for most of my smoking life (which began when I was 18), primarily because of the cost.

In the UK, a pack of 20 cigarettes will set you back a little over £5. I can buy a pouch of tobacco, some rolling papers, and filter tips that will make up at least that many — around 30, before I run out of tobacco — for about £3. That’s a considerable saving on a fairly expensive habit. More than worth the extra hassle of having to roll the damn things whenever I want one, and in practise, that usually means I smoke less, something to do with having to make a conscious decision to make a cigarette before I can smoke it.

As far as I can tell, the savings aren’t quite as pronounced here in the US. Pack of 20 in the UK: £5. Pack of 20 in the US? $5. Huge difference there. (These are anecdotal observations, of course, I’m sure the exact prices vary a little from place to place.) It doesn’t seem to be just a matter of price, though; tobacco is also taxed a lot more heavily in the UK.

According to The Tobacco Manafacturers’ Association, the average price of a pack of 20 in the UK as of April 2009 is £5.85. Most of that is tax: £4.45 of it. The tax in the US is a mere $1.01 per pack. Which, courtesy of Barack Obama, is 61.6 cents more per pack than it was a year ago.

As far as tobacco goes, the cost of the materials to make your own seems to be fairly equivalent to the cost of just buying cigarettes, so it’s not quite as cost effective (though it does work out slightly cheaper, and usually tastes a lot better).

That said, although Americans find cigarettes and tobacco ridiculously expensive, it’s hard for me not to feel like I’m not getting a huge bargain.

There are a couple of other miscellaneous things I’ve noticed with tobacco in the US.

One: the quantities differ. In the UK, when you buy tobacco, you choose between a 12.5g, 25g, or 50g pouch. In the US, your options appear to be 40g pouch or Big Ass Tub O’ Tobacco — I think it was about half a kilogram, but I don’t recall — I only bought one once, because that’s a ridiculous amount of tobacco to buy.

It’s also a lot harder to find loose tobacco here. In Indianapolis, there’s one specialty tobacco supplier, and the odd gas station (Brits: that’s a petrol station) where you can find it. In the UK, every single general store, supermarket and gas station sells it; if they sell cigarettes, they sell tobacco.

There are some interesting regulatory differences, too. It’s illegal to advertise cigarettes in most mediums in both the US and the UK, and both countries require that manafacturers put health warnings on them, but the UK takes that a lot more seriously.

On the left here is a British tobacco pouch. On the right is an American one. (The differences are exactly the same on cigarette packets, too.) Right off, there’s an obvious difference in approaches, but this Wikipedia goes into more detail. To wit:

Anywhere in the EU, there must be at least two health warnings. One must cover 30% of the surface of the pack, and the other must cover 40%. There must also be a picture warning. Some of the pictures get a little graphic. (Though Brazil has us beat on graphic images.)

The US is a lot more lax about it, having one of the least prominent health warnings of all countries.

Warnings are usually in small typeface placed along one of the sides of the cigarette packs with colors and fonts that closely resemble the rest of the package, so the warnings essentially are integrated and do not stand out with the rest of the cigarette package.

Though that is soon to change, with new regulations requiring 50% of the front and back to have warning labels and capital letters.

I’d like to know more about how the US approaches trying to make people quit. It’s already pretty obvious that Brits get way more anti-smoking propaganda than Americans, but that’s a topic for another day. I need a cigarette.

I’ve already mentioned advertising at some length, but here’s one more recent observation.

I saw two commercials that surprised me last night. The first was a Burger King commercial, and the second was a Hardy’s commercial (another burger place, for non-US people). In Burger King’s, they were promoting a new burger and implied that it was better than a McDonald’s burger. I don’t recall the exact wording, but they were comparing the two burgers, and BK’s ad said a) their burger contained more meat, b) probably tasted better than the equivalent McDonald’s burger. They cleverly avoided saying it was definitely better, but the implication was clear and obvious. Hardy’s commercial was a similar situation, but the only specific name they used was “Big Mac,” which is obviously a McDonald’s burger to the majority of people.

Maybe this kind advertising is common to Americans, but it would never happen in British advertising.

For one, as previously mentioned, all British advertising is governed by Advertising Standards, and they set some pretty strict rules for what can and can not be in an advert. One of them is this:

Advertisements must not discredit or unfairly attack other products or services, advertisers or advertisements either directly or by implication

So that kind of thing is flat out not allowed in the UK. There’s another rule that goes like this:

Advertisements must reflect the spirit, not just the letter of the rules

So while you might be able to employ some clever wordplay that indirectly discredits a competitor without actually breaking the rules, the chance that Advertising Standards will let it fly is minimal.

As far as I can tell, the FTC’s Division of Advertising Practices handles this in the US, and doesn’t seem to make any such mention of denigration or discrediting of competitors. It does require that all claims be backed up with hard evidence — thus being able to say with certainty that a burger contains more meat than a competitor’s, but not that it tastes better.

Looking south (I think!) up (down?) Pennsylvania (I think!) in Indianapolis (I think!)

As previously mentioned, the hyper-organised grid layout of American cities is a vast improvement on The British Way. It’s logical, efficient, and it makes getting around easier. At the time, I predicted going places being trivial in solo ventures.

I was wrong.

It still makes sense, and I still think it makes for a great navigational system, but it requires a mindset that is far removed from what I’m used to in Britain.

We navigate by landmark in the UK. There’s simply no other way until you know the place well enough to get around without thinking. (Comparison here, if you need it.) We turn left at the hardware store, and take the second right after Craven Road, and drive about 100 yards past the school before turning right. You can’t do that here, because everything looks the same.

I tried to do it that way for the longest time. For the first few months here, the landmark I used to know what street we live on was a traffic cone sat on the corner. I know exactly where we live now, and I could get there blindfolded within a radius of a few blocks, but the cone was still the marker I used at first, and it became a habit after that. Because that’s just the way I’m used to when getting around. And then last week the cone disappeared. As I approached the corner of our street, I noticed that it was missing and had an “am I going the right way?” moment. Without the cone, it looked the same as any other corner in the area.

Outside of abandoned traffic cones, landmarks I was using were certain buildings and stores (turn left when you see Kroger), distance travelled (take the second right), and other miscellaneous structures like bars, war memorials, and trees (seriously).

It took a total of around 4 months to realise that simply wasn’t going to work, after noticing I could still barely make it downtown (a 20 minute walk) without getting confused.

So now I’m doing what I should have done in the beginning — making sure I always know what direction I’m travelling, and trying to remember which streets lead where and in what direction. Heather has been extremely patient with my constant confusion (“we’re walking north, right?”, “South!”), and trying to give helpful pointers where possible — like the fact that we live north of the city centre, and certain streets being one way in a particular direction (Delaware is a one-way north¹). I usually forget within minutes, but I’m finding eventual recognition with repetition.

I’m not really sure why this is giving me such difficulty — it’s pretty fucking straightforward, really — but I suppose the way you navigate your city or town (or country, even) becomes such an ingrained habit that it’s hard to change. Baby steps.

1. The high number of one-way streets is also an oddity I’m getting used to. They’re rare in the UK, generally reserved for back alleys and small roads that aren’t wide enough to accomodate two cars. Here, they can be 4-lane behemoths that serve as major streets.

For the last 3 months, I spent my weekends — and most weekdays — holed up at my Mother’s place in England, doing not a great deal. That got really mind-numbingly boring real fast. So being here in Indianapolis and actually doing stuff is a huge difference, and I love it. It’s just nice to be active, instead of vegetating on a couch all day.

Last night we went to a friend’s party and had a great time. Then today we went downtown and checked out the Labor Day parade — where Heather got a “Health care for America NOW!” sign that she steadfastly insisted on carrying around for the rest of the day — had a wonderful breakfast at a place called Le Peep, then discovered a civil war museum under a war memorial in Monument Circle.

Great day.

I finally have a date for my triumphant return: the 27th of August.

Knowing exactly when we’ll be together is a massive (expensive!) weight off both our minds. I think I smiled the whole day I bought my plane ticket. Relationships are hard enough without not being able to be together, and touch each other, and see each other laugh and cry. A healthy relationship requires physical contact, there’s no two ways about it. That’s what makes long distance relationships so hard. Especially when there’s an ocean between the two of you.

The last three months have been immensely difficult for both of us, and it’s seemed a little bleak at times, especially in the last month. The stress and constant lack of physical contact has caused stress, and unhappiness, and inevitably, some arguments. Knowing when we’ll be able to see each other again makes it all worth it; there’s an end in sight, and a great feeling of We Made It.

We haven’t actually made it yet, of course. It’s a long, hard road from here. But for the next three months, at least, it’s a road we can travel together.

And that makes us both unspeakably happy.

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to make an update here. Since I got back, I’ve just been working as much as I can, and Heather has been doing the same. But this week, we finally made some progress. We’ve decided exactly how we’re going to orchestrate this Being Together business, and I’ve saved enoguh money to go and visit her again. I’ll start with the latter.

It took a while to find a job here. The recession’s hit Newbury pretty bad, and job opportunities are few and far between, which made it easy to accept a job line picking in a refrigerated warehouse. Not a job I’d ever willingly choose to do, but it was fairly easy, I could pick my shifts, and the pay was better than anything else I’d be likely to find. I’ve also been working a second job editing Marco’s GMSTR. The two combined mean I have enough money to visit Heather again now, so I’ll be doing that as soon as humanly possible. Hopefully while it is still August.

As for our long-term plans, we’ve finalised that too. We dismissed the standard visas as an option early on, since I stand little chance of finding a job that will sponsor me without a degree, so we turned to spousal visas. Which means getting married, something we were both immediately fine with. Long story short, when I visit this month, we’re going to start making plans to get married. Which means I’m getting married some time between August and November. (Yikes!) Then I’m going to leave again, and we’re going to apply for a K-3 visa, which basically gives the US resident (Heather) permission to bring her husband into the country permanently.

There are still ways in which this could all blow up. No visa is a sure thing, but we’ll be doing everything we can to make sure it goes smoothly. It’s going to take about 10 months, as a conservative estimate, and it’s going to be hard, expensive, and complicated, but it’s also going to be so fucking worth it.

I still have a lot of “holy shit” moments when I think about the fact that I’ll have a wife and a new home in a different country a year from now, but it’s the best possible kind of holy shit.

It’s getting close to a month since I left Indianapolis, and I’m starting to miss it all a great deal. Heather, her dogs, the city itself. It’s not a feeling I’m accustomed to, so you’ll forgive me for indulging myself in a photo set of some of my favourite photos taken while I was there that I haven’t shared yet. Can’t wait to get back to all this.

The Kennet and Avon Canal, which runs right through Newbury.

Just a quick update, since it’s been so long.

I arrived back in the UK on June 4th, after a hellishly boring and sleepless overnight flight. My visa-free time in the US, regrettably, having come to an end.

That said, I couldn’t have chosen a better day to come back. Driving home from the airport at around 10am, the weather was wonderful, and I realised I’d been taking the UK for granted in some respects: it’s really scenic here. Not an epiphany I was expecting.

The drive home from the airport is incredibly scenic and perhaps even beautiful. I arrived back in Newbury and once again, I was struck by just how nice it is here. For all its good points, one thing Indianapolis doesn’t have is scenery, and England has that in spades.

That said, that’s about the only positive thing I can think of to say about the UK, which isn’t all that surprising, given that I’m now stuck here until I can afford a flight back, while Heather is thousands of miles away.

Here’s the plan: find a job, save enough money for a flight back and a fiancé visa.

Oh yeah, we’re engaged too. Almost everyone I know has reacted very positively to the news, which is encouraging, and we’re both very grateful for all the positive messages about it.

So, obviously, I’m looking to get out of this place as fast as possible and get back to my fiancé (still seems a little odd to say), which may be harder than it sounds, thanks to a little thing called the recession. Job opportunities here are few and far between, and I haven’t managed to find a single lead yet in my two weeks being back. (If you happen to know of one, do let me know.)

If I can get out of this place before Christmas, I’ll be happy and surprised.

Photo courtesy of David & Cheryl M.

Continuing the advertising theme, here are two promotional videos for 30 Rock. The one embedded above is from Channel 5, a British channel. Compare to the one embedded below, which is from NBC, the American channel that airs the show.

Of note:

• Rock music!
• Screaming women!
• Huge hype of a celebrity appearance!
• As much as possible squeezed into 30 seconds!
• Emmy-winning best comedy!

And take note of which scenes the two are promoting. The American promo is highlighting numerous big funny moments. It’s very in your face, and cut together to make it seem very exciting. And as good as 30 Rock is, it’s not that exciting. The British promo is comparatively restrained, and the scene shown (just one, mind, not 4 or more different scenes in quick succession) is also more restrained, and probably appeals to a British audience a little more.